If you’re keeping financial secrets from a spouse or cohabiting romantic partner, such as a secret bank account or debt, you’re not alone — it’s surprisingly common, with 42% of U.S. adults admitting to it.1 However, while many partners may engage in this behavior, known as financial infidelity, it can be damaging to both marriages and families. Beyond eroding trust within the relationship, financial secrets can also affect future savings and spending, potentially jeopardizing important life transitions such as buying a house, paying for children’s college tuition, or retiring.
Understanding the typical conduct and consequences of financial infidelity can be beneficial. However, each personal financial situation is different, with its own distinct circumstances. These are the situations where a financial advisor can provide valuable assistance. Our advisors frequently help couples bridge communication gaps regarding finances. As fiduciaries, we are committed to always acting in our clients’ best interests — and our goal is to help families achieve Economic FreedomTM.
Common financial secrets
Among the many ways a partner can hide financial matters, these are the most common, according to a survey by Bankrate:
- Spending more money than they know a partner would find acceptable
- Accumulating debt without a partner’s knowledge
- Having a secret savings account a partner doesn’t know about
- Keeping a credit card hidden from a partner
- Not disclosing a checking account to a partner
There might be other undisclosed financial decisions that are not ill-intended but can still have an impact, such as closing a savings account and keeping the assets, or discontinuing contributions to a savings account.
Consider Jane and Tom, a fictional couple. Jane manages the family’s finances and decides to stop contributing to her 401(k) without informing Tom because she wants more spending money. Tragically, Jane unexpectedly passes away not long before their retirement. Tom then discovers that their retirement savings are significantly lower than he anticipated. As a result, Tom realizes he might have to sell valuable assets or work well past the retirement age to make up for the shortfall.
This example highlights the importance of reviewing the financial plan at least annually to make sure savings targets and the balance sheet are tracking towards Economic Freedom.
Reasons for financial infidelity
Financial secrets are kept for various reasons. These can include differing views on finances, discomfort in discussing money, or fear of losing control over one’s finances.2,3 It could also stem from one partner’s financial irresponsibility or bigger issues within the relationship. Sometimes, it’s simply because the topic of money isn’t discussed among the couple.
Committing to making financial decisions together can help enhance communication. According to a Fidelity survey, 93% of partners who make daily financial decisions as a couple report that they have good communication. However, about 33% of couples still disagree on what their next major savings goal should be.
In the case of John and Sue, a fictional double-income couple, he had always pictured having a grand piano in their living room when they became empty nesters. The one he coveted and bought cost $50,000, but he told Sue he paid $25,000 for it. In his mind, hiding the full purchase amount gave him a sense of control over money he’d earned and the decisions on how to spend it. When Sue found out about the true cost of the piano, she felt deceived and disrespected in the relationship. It was difficult for Sue to trust John after that.
This example highlights the importance of having open communication between partners and a financial professional who can help with fostering that communication.
Consequences to consider
Financial infidelity can threaten the success of achieving joint financial goals. And even small financial secrets can create a slippery slope that could lead to potential significant issues.
For instance, if you’re married and live in one of the nine community property states, any debt incurred for household purchases on a credit card opened in your name alone could also become your partner’s responsibility.4 If this debt isn’t disclosed and spirals out of control, it could lead to lower credit scores, affecting future significant purchases like cars or houses.
One of the top three reasons couples divorce is due to financial problems.5 And divorce has its own cost at an average of $7,000 per couple, or in some cases much more. Additionally, divorce typically has a big impact on retirement savings. Both retirement income and savings account balances are lower on average for divorcees.6 For example, a married retiree has an average income of $2,577 per month while a divorced retiree’s average income is $1,940; a married retiree has an average of $329,900 in retirement accounts and a divorced retiree has an average of $207,200.
Mary and Bill are a fictitious couple with three school-aged children. Bill managed their money and was feeling discouraged by the returns on their joint investment accounts. Without telling Mary, he opened a new brokerage account and purchased $15,000 in securities that he believed would have better returns. On a day when the stocks were down, Bill panicked and sold them at a significant loss, retaining only $3,000. While the couple wouldn’t suffer dire financial consequences, the shortfall would still affect their joint short-term goal of buying a bigger house for the family.
This example highlights the importance of collaborating with investment professionals who talk through investment decisions and help clients through market volatility.
Finding solutions
It might be difficult for some partners or couples to discuss finances, whether it’s due to upbringing, perceived stigma, shame or embarrassment, fear or control, or any other number of reasons. But transparency, open communication, and regular discussions about financial matters can help keep your joint objectives on track. Even if there’s disagreement on small matters, aligning on big financial goals is important. And both partners in the relationship have a responsibility to pay attention to its financial health.
Not our client? At Mercer Advisors, we can help prepare you for difficult financial conversations with your partner. As an impartial third-party, it’s our role to look at the overall financial picture and find a way for couples to move forward with a plan of action. For nearly 40 years, Mercer Advisors has been trusted to help families amplify and simplify their financial lives. Won’t you trust us with yours? Let’s talk.
1 “Survey: Younger Generations More Likely To Keep Financial Secrets From Partners.” Bankrate, 22 Jan. 2024.
2 “Why You Should Never Hide Debt From Your Spouse.” National Debt Relief, 28 Feb. 2023.
3 “2024 Couples & Money Study.” Fidelity, 2024.
4 “Revealing Divorce Statistics In 2025” Forbes, 20 Nov. 2024.
5 “A major curveball in retirement preparedness: divorce.” Business Insider, 5 Oct. 2024.
6 “Information on credit cards and community property law.” 16 Sep. 2024.
